Author’s Note: This is the sixth post in my 12 Great Commandments series, inspired by Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project. Previously, we talked about listening (and learning) everywhere.
I’m a natural introvert.
Studies show that introverts aren’t necessarily shy; we just get tired out by too much socializing, and need time alone to recharge. Extroverts, in contrast, recharge by socializing, and generally feel tired when alone.
I read an interesting article years ago about introverted, yet successful, CEOs. Turns out the claim that charisma is a prerequisite for career advancement is just a myth; in fact, approximately 4 in 10 highly successful CEOs are naturally introverted.
The article claims that some of the best, brightest, and yes, richest are actually introverts, including Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Steven Spielberg. Not too shabby, eh?
So – all you quiet ones – the ones people have been told to watch out for – there’s nothing horribly wrong with being introverted; it doesn’t even seem to hurt our chances of public success.
But while I’m okay with being an introvert, I can’t deny that it has its downsides. It’s generally harder for us to build and then maintain relationships, particularly over time and distance. We tend to fall out of touch, even with people we care about. We often miss out on valuable networking opportunities.
This is the sixth commandment, for myself, the introverts, and those extroverts who need a little reminder:
Connect, reconnect and introduce.
Introverts Have People Skills Too
One big myth about introverts is that we’re awkward around other people. While it’s true that we may not be as socially adept as most extroverts, we’re also not committing social faux-pas left and right. We have people skills too.
Personally, I’ve always considered myself an introvert. I’m happy to sit alone and read for hours on end. I’m rarely bored with the world inside my head. But at the same time, I’ve never considered myself excessively shy or bad around people. I can make small talk as well as the next guy … but it just doesn’t hold my interest for long. I’m not even afraid of public speaking; I’ve actually won quite a few awards for speechmaking.
Now I’m dangerously close to the line between personal example and self-puffery, so I’ll stop there. But you get the point. You can be introverted, yet still a people person. It just takes practice. The CEOs I mentioned earlier have one thing in common – despite being naturally introverted, they committed themselves to connecting with people, going to conferences, and building the networks they knew they’d need later on.
So we introverts have people skills. We just need to make ourselves use them. That’s what the sixth commandment is about: putting forth the effort to meet, greet, help, and befriend other people.
Connect
This is where it starts. Making the commitment. Getting out of the house. Getting online. Learning to attend events simply for the sake of meeting other people, and learning to let relationships grow. That’s hard for us introverts; we have a tendency to move too quickly, to ask for favors right after meeting someone. We have to fight the desire to use people as just a means to an end, and learn that meeting others can be a goal in and of itself.
The good news is that we now have a myriad of social networking tools to make connecting easier. Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, Yahoo! Groups – the list goes on and on. We can now build relationships without ever leaving the house.
The bad news is that we now have a myriad of social networking tools to make connecting easier. Yes, it can be a bad thing. Having all these nifty online platforms can lull us into a false sense of security. We can forget that it’s the use and development of our people skills, not the tools we have, that leads to productive, lasting relationships. Facebook won’t be around forever … or will it?
So commit to connect – online and offline – every day.
Reconnect
Just as important as connecting is reconnecting. Maintaining the relationships you’ve started, and restarting the ones that have fallen by the wayside. This part is hard for everyone, not just introverts.
Strangely enough, introverted little me has a success story here. The girlfriend and I started dating during our last semester of high school, right before we went to opposite ends of the country for college. She went to Northwestern, I went to the University of Texas. (Yes, she has a better degree, but I graduated without student loan debt. So there.)
Four years of long-distance Skype chats later, we’re finally living in the same city (Austin), and still happily together.
Yet, at the same time, I’ve fallen mostly out of touch with some of my closest friends from high school. Strange, isn’t it, how some relationships stay and others wither.
A few lessons on reconnecting I’d like to share with you:
First, reconnecting is a habit. The more often you do it, the better. During those four years of long-distance, my girlfriend and I called each other on Skype almost every day. If we didn’t have time to talk, we’d sit on Skype and do homework. We were nauseatingly cute sometimes. But that’s why it worked, I think.
Second, reconnecting doesn’t have to be deep. For introverts especially, it’s hard sometimes to think of meaningful ways to reconnect with people. The good news is, we don’t always need to. I’ve learned that sometimes, just making contact – a simple “Hi, haven’t talked in a while. How are you?” works just fine.
Finally, it’s never too late to reconnect. This is a lesson that I’ve struggled with for a while now. Sometimes I feel guilty for not nurturing a relationship. I’ll be afraid that the other person will feel slighted. And often, instead of confronting that guilty feeling, I’ll sidestep it and skip the reconnecting altogether. But that’s the wrong way to go about it. The truth is, most of us are very liberal with giving second chances. Most of us are willing to rebuild stalled relationships – or at least to give it a try. To quote the cliche: better late than never.
Introduce
This is a lesson that I learned from reading Chris Brogan and Julien Smith’s book, Trust Agents. In it, Chris and Julien talk about the concept of an agent zero. Someone who not only knows people, but spends his or her time introducing people, and helping other people connect. The person who is “at the elbow of every deal.”
This person is trust agent zero. The hub of the network. The hinge on the gate. He/She-who-is-the-Facebook. The person who really gets remembered.
I want to be that person. I think we can all aspire to be the agent zero in some of our own networks. To be the connector and the facilitator. And in this area, I think introverts may actually have a slight advantage. Though we tend to have fewer friends, we also tend to have closer ones. That, in some ways, makes it easier to be a trusted agent zero.
What do you guys think? Do you have any people lessons or experiences to share? I know you do – so please do take a few minutes to tell us about it in the comments.