Today, February 11, 2010, my girlfriend and I are celebrating our 5th anniversary.
At least, that’s what we call it. In truth, today may or not may not be our anniversary. We don’t know, because we never had an official “Now we’re dating” moment. At one point we were good friends, and then later we were something more.
What we do have is February 11, 2005, the day on which I awkwardly handed her a rose before the start of class – a rose which she then carried around awkwardly for the rest of the day.
Why did this happen 3 days before Valentine’s Day? Why not on the 14th itself? In 2005, we were both seniors in high school, and due to a quirk in the academic schedule, we would not be at school on the 14th.
We may have become more than friends before that day, but neither of us knew when that transition had occurred. So in the interest of having an anniversary to celebrate, we settled on February 11th by a popular vote of 2-0.
And now, 5 years, long distances, and a lot of luck later, here we are – high school sweethearts, still able to make people look away and roll their eyes.
I’m writing this post for two reasons. First, to say how incredibly grateful I am for these past 5 years and for where we are now; and second, to share a few lessons on life and love with you.
***
On this blog, I write primarily about productivity, simplicity, entrepreneurship, and making a difference. But despite wanting to accomplish great things on a large scale, I never let myself forget the importance (and yes, greatness) of the small things.
Things like having someone to come home to after a 10-hour workday. Like wanting to make someone else happy, and know that she wants to make you happy too. Like having someone to complain to, someone to bounce ideas off of, someone to keep you honest.
I’m grateful for all these things. And more. I’m grateful for the little fights we have, if only because afterwards I’m amazed at how little these fights matter. And I’m grateful for the opportunity to support someone and be supported in return.
I’m grateful for the 4 years we spent apart, attending universities at opposite ends of the country, doing homework on the phone, and later, on Skype. I’m grateful for what that taught us about ourselves and about commitment.
I’m grateful because I can’t imagine a life without her – and I think that’s the greatest compliment of all.
***
It’s no secret that many people are dismayed by the state of romantic relationships in our modern societies. Connections are shorter, flimsier, often more physical than psychological. We profess love, forget about it, and move on, often within months.
In no particular order, here are 3 important lessons about love and relationships I’ve learned over the last 5 years:
1. If you don’t enjoy the boring bits, it’s not love. Relationship advice typically draws a line between passion and everything else. If we are to believe this advice, the fate of every long-term relationship is to slog through the soul-crushing everything else parts in the hopes of snatching back a bit of the passion here and there. The word commitment becomes less about joy and more about imprisonment.
I think that’s a terrible way to think of love. In my experience, a loving relationship isn’t divided between passion and soul-crushing. On the contrary, a loving relationship is characterized by enjoying both the moments of high passion and the moments of mundane companionship.
I love to go out for nice dinners with my girlfriend. I love to buy her presents and fall asleep together and all the wonderfully romantic things couples do. But looking back on the last 5 years, I realize that what I’m most grateful for are the little moments where we were just together. Such as how, during the long years of long-distance, we’d sit on Skype for hours, rarely talking, each of us working on our homework assignments. Or, now that we’re living together, the times when she reads on the couch and I write on the computer, each of us concentrating but also taking comfort in the other’s presence.
As I see it, the best way to preserve romance in a long-term relationship is by learning to find connections and comfort in the everyday, not by trying to replace it by scheduling dates and romantic getaways.
2. Don’t sacrifice. Conventional relationship wisdom says that we ought to sacrifice for the ones we love. I don’t buy into that idea, and here’s why.
The word sacrifice implies giving up something important to you for something less important, usually out of a sense of obligation or desire to play martyr. This is the parent who drives her children to soccer practice, but never ceases to remind them how lucky they are to have such a self-sacrificing parent. This is the husband who gives his wife an expensive present while hinting at the new gadget he gave up in order to purchase the gift. The gesture is there, but the heart isn’t. It becomes a contest of “look how much more I’m giving up for you than you’re giving up for me.”
Relationships die quickly when one person starts to play martyr.
That’s why I don’t like the idea of sacrificing for love. In a healthy relationship, there are no sacrifices – only transactions. I know many people will object to the word “transaction.” Love isn’t like buying something, they’ll say. How utterly unromantic you are. The unfortunate truth is that the concept of sacrifice has been so over-romanticized that many people refuse to consider alternatives.
So let me explain.
I love my girlfriend. I love to make her happy. So when I choose to buy her a new coat instead of buying myself another new toy, I’m not making a sacrifice. Instead, I’m making a choice. I’m saying that her happiness is more important to me than a snappy case for my cell phone. I’m trading (transaction!) something of lesser value for something of greater value – so why should I feel martyred? Why should I feel anything other than happy that I’ve been able to spend my money on something better?
3. Don’t take yourself too seriously. In works of fiction, we read of great, noble romances, full of dramatic passions and high intrigue. In most cases, real love is nothing like that, just as real people aren’t much like storybook heroes and heroines.
Real love is silly, quirky, and full of inside jokes. Real love avoids showiness in favor of treasuring little things. Real love isn’t afraid to be uncool.
Sometimes, real love sits on the floor and pulls faces at each other for an hour. Other times, real love jumps out from behind the bathroom door and yells BOO!
Real love says, Forget the great, noble, dramatic storybook romances. I’d rather be happy.
***
If you’re reading this, my dear, I love you. Happy anniversary.
20 Comments on “Lessons and Gratitude on a 5th Anniversary”
says:
Haha that's funny. My girlfriend and I just had our 5 year anniversary on February 2. I planned on waiting til the 14th to be all romantic and what not, but it just happened.
says:
First of all congratulations on the anniversary. I am a sentimental fool at hart and your discussion of the little moments brings a tear to my eye as i think of those moments in my own relationship. For me the perfect moments are the times when he is drawing and I am reading or writing and we just are.
says:
Contratulations, Jeffrey! This is my rule # : don't take your self too seriously. LOVE it!
says:
I've always viewed sacrifice as putting aside my wants for the greater good of the couple…like a sacrifice play in baseball. For example:
I “allow” myself to get thrown out at first base, and put aside some personal glory, to buy some time so that my teammate on third can sprint to home plate and score the winning run.
That way we both get what we REALLY want: a win.
says:
Congratulations! :)
I agree with this post wholeheartedly. Although I've only been in a relationship for one year, I definitely think that you touched on the things that have allowed me to feel just as confident about the relationship as I felt a year ago. I will check-in again in 4 years and see how things are! ~
says:
Hi Jeffrey – Beautiful to hear you talk about your relationship and the small moments. Congratulations to both of you. But I am curious, when you say, “conventional relationship wisdom” or “relationship advice” says such and such, what do you mean? Are you referring to anything in particular? I've studied relationship counseling and coaching, and it's definitely not about drawing a line between passion and everything else, or sacrificing for the other. Quite the opposite is true. So I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.
says:
Hey Patty,
I'm not disparaging relationship counseling or coaching – I have great respect for people who study and work to mend relationships; what I'm calling out is the “wisdom” that gets thrown around carelessly by people and in the popular media (at least the things I've personally heard).
Sometimes people joke about how tedious long-term relationships are – but joke about something long enough, and sooner or later you start to believe it. But, in my experience at least, a healthy long-term relationship is anything but tedious; I think people just look for passion in the wrong places.
Thank you again for your well wishes, and I apologize if I inadvertently offended you!
says:
Haha, I know what you mean. Congrats to you and your girlfriend!
says:
It's strange, but the small moments are the ones you remember as the years go by. I think the sooner we start appreciating those moments, the better.
says:
Thanks, Diana!
says:
I completely agree, Randy. My issue is only with the way most people think of sacrifice: as a kind of “look how selfless I am” demonstration. What you're describing, I think, is sacrifice in the sense of delayed gratification or choosing the more valuable of two good options.
says:
Thanks, Omar :) Here's to another 4 years of happiness.
says:
Jeffrey: Five years and going strong. Congrats on your anniversary and what sounds to be an amazing relationship. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said not to buy into the fiction and all the dramatic ways relationships are portrayed to be. I think one realization I have come to is that you definitely have to find a person you connect with and enjoy spending time with. You have to create your relationship in the way you desire and put time and energy into it. As you said, its important to have fun, to be silly and to just sit together silently enjoying the other person's company.
I think also the best relationships are based on a common desire to grow individually while never losing sight of the need to also grow together. To learn from each other, support each other and to realize that some of the most valuable lessons in life will be taught to you by your partner…enough cheese from me today…man, it is not even Valentines Day yet:) Happy #5!
says:
No, you didn't offend me at all, Jeffrey, but rather piqued my curiosity. I think I get what you're saying now. I do see a decided cultural sarcasm about the dullness of long-term relationships, and it shows up especially in pop culture. I'm thinking sit-coms in particular, maybe even movies. How many times have we seen the stereotype of the long-married couple, constantly bickering and intent on messing with each other? Like this is an inevitability with long term relationships. It's as if we have only two choices in relationship: either all hot romance or dreadful daily boredom. Is that kind of what you mean?
After being with my husband for 32 years, I can say this is definitely not the case. But long-term relationships do take a lot of work. That's probably the most important thing I've learned.
says:
“Each of us concentrating but also taking comfort in the other’s presence.”
Love that line, I know it's so true of me and my wife. It's not so much that you have to be talking or even focusing on the other person, but there's just a warmth in knowing that they are right there… and it something that is easy to not realize until you miss it when they're at work one evening or something.
Congratulations!
says:
As a big softy at heart, I think this is lovely. I was with my girlfriend for three years before she she became my fiancée, then my wife, and then the mother of my child. When I asked her to marry me after three years she said “Of course. What took you so long?”
Wedding bells soon, Jeffrey?
says:
That's pretty much exactly what I mean, Patty. The biggest problem with these cultural stereotypes is that they get picked up and repackaged as advice by (often well-meaning) people who are in a position to give advice. The message spreads through respectable channels, and people start to believe it's the truth.
Congratulations on being with your husband for 32 years! That's amazing. And yes, hard work … but rewarding work.
says:
You're right … I usually notice her absence when she has to work a later shift and I come home and sit in an empty apartment for three hours.
says:
Thanks, Sibyl! You're absolutely right about finding the right person. I think a lot of the bad relationship stereotypes happen when two people try to make a relationship work for the wrong reasons. Sometimes the wisest decision is to admit that things aren't working and move the relationship to a different level (romance to friendship … though that's difficult too).
And hey, the cheese is good :)
says:
Both men and women want to feel appreciated. Romance and commitment are the best examples of appreciation. We live in a society that can be so self-involved, it is refreshing to read that there are people who have a healthy perspective and value priorities.
Happy Anniversary!
-Layne