When you’re doing well in life, sooner or later someone will say this to you. Perhaps not in those exact words. They might say: “You must be doing something unethical” or “You must have some connections” or “You just got a lucky break.”
Most people have a hard time believing – truly, honestly believing – that it’s possible for someone else to be smarter, faster, or more hardworking than they are. So when they get left behind in the dust, their first reaction is: “I followed the rules and ended up here, so the people ahead of me must be cheating somehow.”
Ignore these people. Don’t let them tell you that what you’re doing isn’t fair or right. Make that judgment for yourself, then stand by it and keep working hard.
But what if you’re on the other side of the fence? What if you’re watching someone else experience success after success, while you’re spinning your wheels and getting nowhere?
That’s when you have a choice. Do you turn your focus outwards, blaming bad circumstances and bad luck and other people, or do you turn your focus inwards, finding new things to try and more ways to improve? Yes, I know, it’s harder than it sounds. Believe me, I’ve been there – and very recently, in fact. So I’m not going to tell you it’s easy.
Here’s what I will say: It’s a crisis of self-confidence. It’s brutal. You will feel like quitting – and worse, you’ll feel stupid, for wanting to quit, and for trying this thing out in the first place. That’s exactly how I feel some days. But I’ve learned that the only way you’ll get through it is saying to yourself, over and over: I am doing good work. Do that. Say it over and over in your head and out loud, until you believe it.
Because here’s the thing: you can’t command success. But you can command yourself to do good work, and then make it better, and then keep making it better until you can no longer be ignored.
And when you get there, when you finally break out into the sun, other people will look at you and say, “You must have cheated to get where you are.”
That’s when you can look back at all your hard work, all the self-doubt you’ve overcome, all the agony of uncertainty and the clarity of action that you’ve discovered, and say to them: “No, I didn’t cheat. I did this. I’m doing this. And you can do it too, if you try.”
My message to you today is simple: You’re doing well. You deserve it. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
I think we do cheat. We ignore the rules that say good enough is good enough. We look the other way when people tell us how to be. We cheat by taking responsibility for our own lives and actions in a world were people want to be led about and point fingers. We change the rules of the game or do our best to play our own game. Maybe I just like being a radical. Good post Jeffery.
Thank you. This hits the spot this morning.
Back to regularly scheduled ass kicking :)
Success doesn't always have to be defined by others. If you set your own standards of success nobody can tell you that you are ahead of or behind where you should be.
You make some great points, Quinn. In a way, breaking free of the assumed
rules of how we should live and work is “cheating” the system – but in a
good way and without taking advantage of other people. Once we've managed to
start playing our own game – especially if that game challenges the norm -
we have to find the confidence to defend our choices from the accusations of
others.
My pleasure ;-)
That's true, Eric. But I would argue that, to some extent, success is
social. We can set our own standards of success, but we still care – if only
subconsciously – what others think. After all, success that doesn't affect
other people, success without impact, is hollow.
More importantly, I believe we ought to have confidence and pride in our
achievements so that we can encourage others to also do great things.
What do you think?
Well said Jeffrey. I think often when you start to hit your stride and do well, you'll get criticism from the naysayers. I'd even say that's the beginning of some really big things coming your way. After all f you don't get any criticism, than nobody is really paying attention.
“…if you don't get any criticism, than nobody is really paying attention.”
Yes! But at the same time, you have to learn to forge ahead and not be
intimidated by criticism – or worse, be intimidated by the *possibility *of
criticism.
I feel like you wrote this post for me, even though I know you couldn't, you don't know me. Thank you, you've helped remind me that “I can if I think I can” – I can do this, I can keep caring for my mom, I won't listen to everyone who's telling me to “just put her in a nursing home.”
“You can't command success.” So true, and a good reminder to stay humble. Same rule applies for respect.
Have a good day!
Great post Jeff. The only thing I would add is that if you are telling yourself “I am doing good work” you have to actually believe it…and it helps to actually be doing “good” work. You say to tell it to yourself until you believe it. That can be a bit dangerous if the persons knows in their heart of hearts that its not right for them.
If somebody is really and truly in a bad situation the best thing for them may actually be for them to quit (see Godin: The Dip) and find a situation where they can honestly say and believe they are doing good work. Otherwise they might be keeping themselves in a situation they should have got out a while ago. And they could have used that time to work with vigor and clarity on something else.
If you know in your heart of hearts that you're doing the right thing, Sue, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. You're doing wonderfully.
And a good day to you too, Melissa!
Excellant post!
A hugely important point – thank you for bringing it up, Jarred! Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between normal (and temporary) frustration and early warning signs that you're on the wrong path.
Thanks! Welcome to AOGT.
Hi… I usually never reply to post or anything… But I have to say that this post made me feel inspired and angry at the same time…
I am not from the US. Actually, I am in Venezuela. Here, if you are a hardworking person, you will be fired. Here, if you stand up for what you believe, you will be fired. Here, unless you are always treating people extremely nice out of hipocresy, you will be fired.
I decided to stey here. So, yes, partially it is my fault, since I got 6 college degrees (including bachellors, masters and others) from different places including the US.. It is just that I want to be a teacher, university teacher and I want to do it here…
Here is the thing though: I will give you one example of WHY the situation you describe it is NOT thruth…
My girlfriend got a job… Very nice one by the way… They all got out one night with the boss and she found out that my girlfriend was studying… She asked: What are you studying? And my girlfriend replied: Bachellors of Administration, Marketing. The answer from her boss was: QUIT ON MONDAY OR YOU ARE FIRED. Why? She asked, and the answer: I HAVE TWO KIDS, AND I AM YOUR BOSS, I HAVE NO BACHELLOR DEGREE, AND ONCE YOU GET THAT DEGREE MY BOSSES WOULD PREFER YOU THAN ME. SORRY, IT COMES DOWN TO YOU OR ME FOR THE JOB, AND I WILL NOT LET YOU TAKE IT FROM ME.
That was it. I also tried looking for some jobs here for almost 3 years… And the answer was pretty much the same: I cannot put you as the assistant manager or anything like that because once the manager realizes that you have a better resume than they, they will freak and you will create me a problem… You are nice, but you are overqualified…
I cannot believe that is the world we live in… In my country people get jobs just because they know someone inside the company or is from the goverment… There are people here who signed of a petition for removing the goverment and they can no longer apply for loans, get a job, get passports, get drivers licences, almost nothing… And they were mostly hardworking people!!!!!
So, I do believe that you should keep trying, but honestly, I quited that idea a long time ago, and instead I know focus on try my own things and after I read the secret, just wait and trust the universe…
Thank You!
“You will feel like quitting – and worse, you’ll feel stupid, for wanting to quit, and for trying this thing out in the first place.” Wow – you hit that one on the head!! We have to remember that if it was easy, everyone would be doing it. Work toward something you are passionate about – and be tenacious! Your biggest success may be right around the corner.