Feeling offended often gets in the way of meaningful change. When people feel slighted, disrespected, insulted – they immediately start looking for revenge, instead of solutions.
Supervisors scream at underperforming employees; employees accuse supervisors of stereotyping; teachers throw students into detention; countries issue condemnations of “provocative” behavior.
And the scariest part? How easy it is to offend people. Show up late to work, and the boss feels disrespected. Support one political party, and members of the other party take it as an attack on their personal values. Live a remarkable life, and some people get defensive because you’re not doing it their way.
Ironically – or appropriately – the things that offend us, that draw out passionate reactions, are the urgent problems most in need of solutions. Where there’s righteous indignation, where’s there’s fire and passion, there are opportunities for progress that often go unnoticed.
What if, for example:
- Instead of berating a teammate for falling behind, you make suggestions to help him keep up?
- Instead of sending a student to sit in the corner, you spend some extra time figuring out why she’s acting up?
- Instead of immediately firing an employee for making a mistake (and incurring the costs of training a replacement), you look for a different way to work?
- Instead of lecturing people on the evils of stereotyping or demanding that they respect you, you fight prejudice by living a non-conformist life?
- Instead of railing against how powerless the system makes you, you work on changing it piece by piece?
Sometimes righteous indignation is the worst kind. You may be morally/ethically/legally right – but if indignation doesn’t lead you to work on fixing the problem, then it’s just a chain holding you down.
The question we should ask is: “What’s going to make this better?” not “What’s going to make me feel better?” Stay focused on the goals and changes you want to achieve; don’t get distracted by the high horse and the soapbox.
Don’t just say: “This is why I can’t fix it.” Ask: “How can I make this happen?”
What if you were so focused on building solutions that you didn’t have time to get hung up on being angry about the problems?
“They know what you think. They’re just too busy making the future happen that they can’t be bothered to be offended.” – Chris Brogan
15 Comments on “Can’t be bothered to be offended”
says:
Jeffrey, love this post. Great thought here. Many times our first reaction is to analyze and respond to “how” this affects me. But the more productive response would be to analyze and respond to “what” is making this respect me.
Thanks for the read.
Eric
says:
Good way to put it, Eric. Often we can easily identify that what the problem is (though not always), but we get distracted by feeling indignant about the fact that a problem exists, instead of actively looking for ways to address it.
says:
I really liked this Jeffrey. This is a topic I have been pondering recently. You are right – we are all so quick to get offended rather than look for a way to move things forward. It can be difficult, but doing the inner work to see why something triggers you is worth it and also avoids unnecessary conflict.
Jen
says:
I think many of the conflicts (ideological, emotional, and physical) in the world could be resolved much more quickly if people spent their time looking for objectively valid solutions, instead of engaging in posturing and trying to “win” the argument.
If you want to spread the truth, you have to do so by applying it, not just by preaching it – that’s what I believe. :)
says:
Hi Jeffrey, I’ve heard about righteous indignant before and if I remember correctly, it’s where you have to be right now matter what in order to win over another person. A person with a stubborn attitude comes into mind. I like the conclusion of this article as I think it’s more important that we focus our energy on finding a solution to a problem, rather than focus our energy on the problem itself.
says:
The trap with righteous indignation is that it’s -right-. Many times, you have good reasons to be upset or angry, so it’s easy to hold on to that anger and forget about doing something constructive to rectify the situation.
says:
Hey Jeffrey,
I like this post! But something that crossed my mind while reading this is that a lot of people appear to by righteously indignant because they find it entertaining…these are like talk radio callers, bloggers/commenters, etc. I dont think that either being helpful or counterproductive crosses their mind.
But…as you say, especially if you are a PROFESSIONAL like a teacher, coach, co-worker etc. it goes further to frame the question differently.
says:
You’re right about righteous indignance and commentary, Jarred. But the problem is (as it is in much of the blogging community) that you can end up with an echo chamber, where everyone’s repeating the same thing but nothing actually gets done. Being righteously indignant isn’t bad in and of itself, it’s when it gets in the way of action that there’s an issue.
says:
Thank you! I love moments when i feel offended. Delicious presents i.e. opportunities for me to find out what is left of all this self-importance and deal with it, free chances for evolution and freedom from sidetracked ego. One can also use them strategically in dealing with petty tyrants, who assume offenses ‘work’. And then it can even become funny, offenders who can’t offend, that is a funny sight. Mandela’s story, f.ex., is a story about overcoming inside oneself over and over again not only offenses but even death and staying on track. With time his resolve and actions became impeccable and so were his negotiations.
says:
Jeffrey: Great point. It can be easy to fall into the trap of making a career out of being offended and counting all the ways and people who have done things we consider offensive. I think though we have to find a way to continually take the high road and respond accordingly. When we are able to free our minds from focusing on being offended and those other negative things, we really allow ourselves to focus on those things that really matter and are important to us.
says:
I like the comparison between the high road (getting past being offended and doing what matters) and the high horse (getting hung up on being indignant).
“On the high road, there’s no room for your high horse.” There’s a nice quotable :)
You’re so right about freeing our minds. So many people don’t realize that, by fixating on how they’ve been wronged, they’re actually chaining themselves down!
says:
Hi Jeffrey – I’ve been thinking along the same lines lately – see your part in solutions, instead of making it someone else’s problem. Feeling offended happens, but I agree, its not productive.
Have a great day!
says:
“See your part in solutions…” oh, I like that. I really do. I think that’s the seed of a future post. Thanks, Melissa!
says:
Great post with great points Jefferey. I particularly like the emphasis on asking what we can do rather than focusing on what we can’t, and thus locking our minds into a negative cycle.
says:
Thanks, Justin. Glad you enjoyed the post!