I’m writing this from the bloggers’ lounge at SXSWi 2010. It’s my first time attending this brilliant madhouse of a conference, and I’ve quickly discovered that the heart of SXSW is meeting people. There are good panels, free food, free t-shirts, lots of giveaways … but more than anything else, this is about seeing people, saying hi, and making new friends.
But as I’ve written before, I’m a natural introvert. Making connections in a conference crowd is not my forte. Does that describe you too?
To meet people (at a conference or elsewhere), have fun, and make a meaningful connection, you have to avoid a few pitfalls:
- Starstruck syndrome. You walk into the room, see someone (internet) famous you look up to, and freeze. You want desperately to say hi, but you can’t just walk up, can you?
- Out of the loop syndrome. You walk into the room, and it seems like everyone’s already busy talking to someone. How do you enter the conversation without interrupting and looking like a rude jerk?
- No conversation starter syndrome. You can never think of a good excuse to start a conversation, so you just … never start one.
- Checklist syndrome. You walk into the room with an agenda: a list of people you simply have to talk to. You flit from person to person, demand an autograph/photo op/awkward ten-second conversation, then move on. At the end of the day, you don’t really know anyone, and no one knows you.
- Clingy gusher syndrome. You finally get some face time with someone awesome, and you immediately jump all over them, leaving them dazed and trying to get away – not the best first impression.
Here’s the good news: being introverted doesn’t mean you lack people skills. It does mean that you may have to work a little harder and push out of your comfort zone. Here are a few tips to help you out.
First, change your mindset.
REMEMBER: Your heroes are people too. In fact, it’s all just people. No matter how famous or successful someone is, she’s human, just like you. She struggles with self-doubt sometimes, and like you, she’s a little anxious about meeting people – perhaps even more so, because everyone expects things of her.
RULE OF THUMB: The more adored and famous someone is, the more they crave a normal human conversation, instead of the usual gushing, starry-eyed admiration. Compliments are great, but give them as a friend, an equal, rather than a raving fanboy. (Thanks to Taylor Lindstrom for getting me thinking about this.)
REMEMBER: 95% of people are nice and will talk to you. Especially if you’re at a conference; everyone’s there to make connections, so everyone’s on their best social behavior. Sure, you’ll run into the occasional snob/asshole, but do you really want to be their friend anyway? (Thanks to superstar designer Reese for this tip.)
REMEMBER: People don’t remember what you say; they remember how you made them feel. Occasionally, you’ll run into someone at a conference or meetup who brings you into the group. He not only stops to talk to you; he introduces you to other cool people, makes you feel important, and “knights you” as a person worth talking to. Remember how that person made you feel, and learn to be that person for someone else. (Thanks to Chris Brogan and Tim Walker for this advice – and for practicing what they preach.)
Second, change your actions.
DO: When in doubt, ask. Sometimes it’s difficult to start a conversation (or join one) because you can’t think of a good “excuse” to talk to someone. When that happens, ask a question: “Hi, I’m Jeffrey. What do you do?” This takes the pressure off you and lets the other person start things off. Remember, we all like to talk about ourselves, and we like people who are willing to listen. (Thanks to the wonderful Liz Strauss for sharing this.)
DO: When you feel small, be big (of heart). The best way to get over your own nervousness is to focus on helping someone else get over theirs. If you feel alone, find someone else who looks a little lost, and be the one who helps them out.
DON’T: Be afraid to exit a conversation. Have you ever been involved in a conversation with someone who’s clearly impatient to leave? Did you walk away with a good impression of that person? If you feel the need to end a conversation for whatever reason, don’t be afraid to politely excuse yourself or find a reason to leave. As long as you’re respectful, you leave a better impression than someone who lingers, but whose attention is elsewhere.
DON’T: Try to read the other person’s mind. People can tell when you’re more focused on trying to “figure them out” than on listening to what they have to say. You can’t see into someone’s mind anyway – so why worry about what may or may not be going on? Enjoy the conversation instead, and you’ll come off as a great listener.
DON’T: Take it personally. It’s tempting to read a bunch of hidden (negative) meanings into what people say and do around you. But most of the time, it’s got nothing to do with you. Is it more likely that she’s doing something just to make you nervous or angry – or that she’s got another (better) reason entirely? (Thanks again to Liz.)
DON’T: Grovel. Sometimes (especially when meeting one of your heroes), you might be tempted to grovel or gush or otherwise ingratiate yourself with someone. Don’t do it. People respect peers, not beggars. And as we talked about earlier, your heroes are just people; they’d rather have a friendly conversation than another round of fawning flattery and autograph signing. Remember, you’re worth talking to. Go deeper than the photo op!
DO: Look for opportunities to connect. For an Android fan like me, going to SXSWi was like walking into a sea of iPhones. But – it gave me a great way to start a conversation with any other Android user I happened to run into. Being different can be an obstacle to joining the community, or it can be an opportunity. It all depends on you.
DO: Set up the right situations for yourself. Many introverts find large groups intimidating, but come alive in one-on-one or small-group discussions. Figure out what works for you, then integrate that into what you do. For example, I made a point of avoiding the organized parties at SXSWi, simply because I know that I don’t do well in huge crowds. Instead, I stuck to attending informal and smaller meetups, where there was more opportunity to talk with individual people. It’s even possible to “work the room” without giving up the opportunity for engaging one-on-one conversation – I watched Chris Guillebeau pull it off.
DO: Put yourself out there. When it comes to meeting people (as with many things), there’s no substitute for just doing it. The secret? We respect people who are willing to put themselves out there, who take the first step toward making a connection. (Angela Petersen did a great job of this!) You can be that person. Take a deep breath, say hi, ask a question, then go from there.
19 Comments on “The Introvert’s Guide to Meeting People”
says:
Great advice Jeffrey! I’m actually an introvert as well. I stopped going to conferences about 4 or 5 years ago. But then last year I went to a conference with the goal of connecting with just one person. One meaningful connection is way better than multiple fleeting connections, right? So it was quite successful.
That said, I think conferences like SXSW where you know people in advance are a lot easier. It’s the smaller niche conferences where you’re running solo that take a bit more work.
Looking forward to SXSW next year. Unlike almost everybody else, I’m staying for the music too! ;)
Karol
says:
If you count the number of people I really connected with at SXSW this year, you wouldn’t get very far – but I agree, it’s much better than a bunch of superficial meet-and-greets.
I’ll look forward to meeting you at SXSW 2011 :)
says:
Jeffrey, an amazing write up.
I, too, was impressed with Angela Peterson’s easy boldness (that’s a compliment). It worked well for her.
What i loved realizing is that many of the ’stars’ are introverts! They need downtime, quiet, balance.
I found so many like-minded people at sxsw. It was comforting to learn they wanted some calm and peace and like me, weren’t always “on.” I’m so glad you found similar friends, too.
says:
Hey Reese! Good to see you here :)
It’s fascinating to me how many great bloggers are naturally introverted – although maybe that’s because blogging attracts a certain personality type?
Loved talking with you at SXSW; thanks for introducing me to so many awesome people!
says:
Really helpful advice, thanks!
Currently I’m trying to create a new habit of pushing myself out of my comfort zone. What has helped me, was joining group activities (e.g. sports like yoga or parkour). You can train yourself in these situations to talk to the others and because your’e interested in the same activity, it is a little bit easier to find common ground.
I’ll try to remind some of your tips when I’ll meet with our intern tomorrow and her friends I don’t know yet!
says:
Joining activity groups is a great way to make new connections, especially because you have similar interests. It’s all part of setting up the right situations for yourself.
Hope things go well with your meeting!
says:
Awesome stuff.
I’ve started going to face-to-face networking events lately, and have had the same hesitations. I’m definitely a natural introvert.
A strategy I’ve used is to routinely search on the twitter hashtag of the event I’m planning to attend and to do some pre-event networking. Much easier for me to talk face-to-face to someone I’ve already interacted with on twitter – plus it makes for a nice conversation starter!
To beat out-of-the-loop syndrome, I usually try to get to my tweetup or event early. The first one I attended I showed up about 45 mins. late. Everyone was already engaged in conversations, and I totally felt the out-of-the-loop syndrome. Get there 5-10 mins early, chat with the organizer, and pick a prime spot!
SXSW next year for me… See you there?
says:
Getting there early is a great tip! Instead of trying to join a conversation-in-progress, you get to START the conversation. In fact, several of the great conversations I had took place while I was waiting in line for events to start.
Fortunately, even if you’re not first on the scene, most people are very welcoming once you get up the courage to join the group – at least, that’s been my experience.
SXSW 2011? Absolutely!
says:
Good stuff. For an introvert you have good understanding of human psychology. But then again, understanding of others isn’t dependent on whether you’re an extrovert or introvert, I reckon.
says:
Thanks for the compliment, though I can’t take most of the credit! A lot of these tips came to me from some of the best people people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting.
You’re right; one of the biggest misconceptions about introverts vs. extroverts is assuming that introverts have no people skills. That always confused me, because I considered myself introverted but I also enjoyed certain group interactions a lot.
One good distinction I’ve read is that introverts get drained from extended contact with people and need time alone to recharge, while extroverts are the opposite: feeling drained from being alone and needing company to recharge.
says:
This whole introvert concept is weird – and unnatural. Just walk in like you own the place. Simple.
says:
I’m not sure what you mean by unnatural. In my experience some people naturally feel more at home in groups and with approaching people than others. Could you clarify?
says:
Jeffrey, this was a very informative post. You covered every type of obstacle and situation we might run into at these types of venues. I’m a natural introvert too. Having spent the last 20 years in financial sales I had to force myself to interact in groups outside my comfort zone. Honestly, I don’t think you ever get over it and find yourself looking forward to it, but it does get easier. For us introverts, we have to deal with it like any other growing pain in life – push through the fear and do it anyway to gain the reward. Thanks for showing us how to do it with grace.
says:
I appreciate the compliments, Angela! For me, the hardest part about group interaction is breaking into it. Once I manage to find my place in the conversation, things get a lot easier. What’s been your experience with these things?
says:
Jeffrey, breaking in is still the hardest part for me too. Like I said, I don’t think that will ever go away. But, like you once I do break-in I feel comfortable. I much prefer one to one interaction though!
says:
Jeffrey,
I found this to be a well-crafted and helpful piece. Thanks for putting it together. I would classify myself as an introvert and struggle with what you mention in the introduction. I agree with these tips in the context of a conference setting, do you have any thoughts on how to apply similar thinking to a broader base? SXSW (from the outside) seems like the perfect place to network simply because everyone is in the right mindset. What is much more difficult is to connect without the help of any pretext.
Again, great stuff. Thanks!
Glenn
says:
Thanks so much for giving such clear advice! I often feel like the rhino in Jumanji, running behind everyone and trying to catch up.
It’s so calming to think of all the “Blogging Stars” I follow as just folks, like me. Takes some of the terror out.
Perhaps next year – if not, for sure the year after – SXSW for me, too.
says:
Jeff,
Nice post. I just reposted it to Reddit. Hope that gets your message out. Ted (www.tedbilich.com).
says:
Jealous that you were at SXSWi, sounds like a great time. Though I spend great lengths of time alone writing, I’m pretty extroverted. One thing I’ve learned is that saying something, anything, is what counts. Rarely will the other person remember the opening line, so it doesn’t really matter. Say something silly, comment on the weather, just find a way to get the conversation going.