“There is no map.” – Seth Godin
You hear people like me give this advice all the time. They say it proudly: step forward, embrace the unknown, that’s how you live a remarkable life, that’s how you make an impact. And they wear it as an opportunity and a trailblazer’s badge of honor, because it is.
I do too, most of the time. But you know what?
Sometimes the unknown sucks. Sometimes not knowing the future isn’t so much exciting as it is frustrating. Sometimes I’d give anything to turn life into an equation I could solve on a chalkboard.
It’s hard, sometimes, to accept that you can’t really get life “right.”
Blogging and writing can make me feel that way. See, I love this work. I do. It keeps me accountable and it makes me come alive when I have an idea to share. But it’s also immensely frustrating because there isn’t a clear-cut formula for success. There’s no one out there to say, “If you do this, and write this, then your dream is guaranteed.”
When You Risk Yourself
One of the risks of caring passionately about your work is that it can hurt you. If you care, it’s harder to brush off failures and mistakes and criticism. When I encourage you to follow your dreams, to do work that matters to you, to lead with your life and your passion, understand that this kind of life doesn’t come without risk.
On the contrary, it’s incredibly risky, because what you’re putting on the line is you. Yourself. Your soul, your pride, your raison d’etre.
But you win what you wager. So if your goal is to live a life of purpose, a life that makes a difference in the world, your raison d’etre is exactly what you have to put on the table.
But all this begs the question:
What do you do when you’re lost?
When you’re suffering from the pain of uncertainty, here’s how you can face it, own it, and move forward:
1. Understand that you can’t think your way out of it. This has been the hardest truth for me to accept – that I can know exactly why I shouldn’t feel this way, but it doesn’t actually stop me from feeling it.
The pain of uncertainty is an emotional challenge, not a mental one. You can’t logic your way out of it. In fact, logic usually makes things worse, as you berate yourself for being silly.
2. Stop comparing. The pain of uncertainty usually strikes when you start thinking that everyone but you has things figured out.
There are plenty of times where competition is healthy and invigorating and inspiring. This is not one of those times. You don’t need to compare your accomplishments with anyone else right now – not even people “below” you. You don’t need an ego boost; you need time to recover yourself.
3. Know the difference between needing advice and needing affirmation. When people feel lost, they often go around asking for advice, when they actually need affirmation.
The distinction is important. When you’re trying to decide between two course of action, you need advice.
But when you’re wondering whether to press onward or give up entirely, what you need is affirmation. You need someone to tell you that you’re doing a good job, that you’re on the right path, that you are as good as you think you are. Don’t ask your friends for advice; ask for companionship and encouragement.
4. Don’t run from the pain. When I have bad days, it often helps to get some alone time and stop running from the uncertainty. I’m also more of an introverted person, so your mileage may vary on this one.
I will say this: there’s a fine line between accepting uncertainty and wallowing in it. If you can learn to accept the pain and bear it, often it goes away by itself.
5. Seek little actions. Whenever you feel lost, remember that action is the best cure for uncertainty. To get yourself out of the doldrums, you need to look for a way to get moving.
Note that finding an action is not the same as finding the answer. You don’t need to look for the peak of the mountain, just for the next step. One cause of uncertainty is trying to plan too far ahead. Focus instead on the present and the very near future, and be content with taking the small steps. Big opportunities will find you soon enough.
6. Find a constructive outlet for your frustration. That doesn’t mean screaming into a pillow. Simply venting your frustration only encourages you to focus more on how terrible you feel.
Instead, look for ways to put that frustrated energy to use. Do something that’s productive and requires concentration, such as writing about your situation, helping someone else with their homework, or practicing martial arts or yoga.
Don’t force yourself to forget. As you sink into this new activity, the pain and frustration will gradually fade away.
It’s Okay to Get Hurt
Suffering and pain are neither signs of weakness nor trophies of martyrdom. They’re simply part of the cycle, and they’re a sign that you’re doing work that matters.
So it’s okay to get hurt. And it’s okay to get discouraged. It doesn’t mean you’re a poor leader or the wrong person for the job. It means you care, and it means you’re pushing for greatness.
Greatness is not measured by what a man or woman accomplishes, but by the opposition he or she has overcome to reach his goals. – Dorothy Height
Fellow changemakers, how do you deal with uncertainty and pain and frustration?
16 Comments on “What to Do When You’re Lost – 6 Ways to Conquer Uncertainty”
says:
Jeffrey,
I think one of the most important things here is that you don’t compare yourself to other people, especially when it comes to blogging. If you do that you can get into a whole world of mind#$# that really throws you off. Just as an example there are many people who have been blogging less time than I have and have grown much faster than I have. I can either go crazy over it or just keep doing what I’m doing. Constructive outlets are also really important. I find that most of my creativity and inspiration will usually come back after indulging in my personal outlet (surfing).
says:
Hi Jeffrey,
All good ideas. I think it’s important to recognize that these things happen when we encounter moments of uncertainty. In uncertainty, we feel vulnerable and are less able to defend ourselves. So comparing ourselves to others becomes more exaggerated, and we have a lower self image of our work. I’ve definitely asked for advice when I really needed affirmation. It’s tough for me to ask for support in general, so it becomes advice instead. As for the pain and anxiety that comes with uncertainty, I let myself feel it and experience it, but not wallow in it. I’ve fallen into the wallowing trap many times before, but now I just try to ride through it. I experience it, recognize that it is a sign of uncertainty, and try to push onward with some small action. As for comparing yourself to others, you really have to avoid this as much as possible, 100% of the time, especially during uncertainty. Focus on your passion, your voice, and how to connect with others. I write an outline of things I care about and where I want it to go. When lost, I go back to read this and it generally keeps me grounded. And sometimes, I just need a break. Go do something else that is relaxing and engaging for a day or two, and then come back. My mind is usually refreshed.
says:
Jeffrey,
Great post. While I agree with all six points, #1 really resonated with me. I’m always trying to think my way out of things, even though I understand that humans are emotional beings, as much as I want to believe that I’m a rational being. And I do beat myself up sometimes for not being consistent with I know to be rational.
I have definitely been going through uncertainty lately with starting my blog and writing an e-book. There are a lot of unknowns out there. Thanks for giving us something to think about.
says:
It’s hard not to compare. That’s a big one, especially when you create something new and start looking for inspiration at similar things, but end up just comparing your creation to works that have been through numerous transformations and edits and drafts. It’s like asking a baby to get up and walk. I deal with uncertainty by looking at a quote I posted beside my desk, don’t know who wrote it. It goes like this, “Not gifted with genius, but honestly holding her experiences deep in her heart, she keeps it simple and humane. Not worrying about style, she is herself, she breathes fully, she is alive, and she remembers to write.” It might have been Natalie Goldberg, but it inspires me to move forward when I’m feeling lost.
says:
I’ve been reading your blog for a good couple of months now… since sometime towards the end of last year.
For myself, when I’m not sure about what path or action to take… or when the “mountain” is looming in front of me… I remember a simple line from Samual Jacksons lead character in Afro Samuri – “My aim is only to move forward.”
says:
I have had, for this past months, facing uncertainties and difficulties in attaining my goals. But something inside of me tells me that these are all challenges I must face; that they are all prerequisites of triumph. There’s a deep wisdom we can learn from the hardships we experience in life. Though our minds try hard to find any sense, it will fail. Facing and enduring the challenges of life calls the intervention of our spirit. :-)
says:
Hi Jeff,
A great post – thanks for being “real”, authentic. We do all have these moments.
I have to say having learned emotional release tools years ago, though, I do love the screaming in the pillow one! ;-)
It helps me to re-group and decide what is most important and focus on that one thing – AFTER taking a break and nurturing my heart and soul!
And as you say, at times I don’t need advice, I simply need a word of support or encouragement.
Thanks for your words of wisdom and honoring our times of uncertainty.
Warm regards,
Lauren
says:
Jeffrey: Great post and great topic. You are so right that sometimes uncertainty really just does feel like it sucks and embracing it is probably the last thing we want to do. I really thought your suggestion to take action and get moving was a good one and it is what I put to use. Sometimes when I don’t feel I know what tomorrow will bring, I focus on just doing whatever I can and feels right today. It is something about the inertia that helps propel you forward and makes it a little easier to step into the unknown.
says:
Jeffrey, Great Post! I agree with the six points you have mentioned. There are many situations of uncertainty. The challenge is what we are thinking in this moment of uncertainty and whats the attitude we are gonna use. Positivity and negativity also comes into play while we decide to take action or resolve the uncertainty. Its always better to wait and watch and take corrective measures in the times of uncertainty, as a wrong decision might lead to another uncertainty. You might want to see this video post “Zones of Uncertainty” http://www.vineetnayar.com/zones-of-uncertainty/
says:
Totally agree! Great article.
“Understand that you can’t think your way out of it.” was a really hard one for me to accept. Being a positive thinker I couldn’t figure out why I sometimes couldn’t think my way out of certain situations.
Tip # 5 – Seek Little Actions is the step that was most helpful when I felt lost. Often times it was just thinking, “I can make it through the next five minutes. What step can I do right now to help me move forward? “
says:
I completely agree with the need for affirmation when you’re thinking about giving up. I spent years working towards getting into medical school then when I got there I found it so tough that I considered giving it all up. After weeks of uncertainty a talk with a friend’s mum made me realise how great I was doing and gave me my motivation back. I think she stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life that day. Great writing, keep it up.
says:
For me it is about not comparing- it is something that can stop me in my tracks and take little actions. I just heard Siimon Reynolds author of Why People Fail talk about just starting by taking 10 minute action steps.
Thanks for you great writing
says:
Hi Jeffery,
This is a real insightful post you’ve put together. There’s one particular point that you and the other commenters have touched on that I think is mighty critical when it comes to uncertainty + fear. It’s all about how we validate ourselves.
At a psychological level, most people have a deeply ingrained preference for a certain type of “validation” – either internal or external. One of the things I’ve noticed is that successful entrepreneurs tend to have more INTERNAL validation… meaning they *know* they’ve done a good job, because they *feel* it inside. They don’t need to get validated by some external source/person.
When you’re on your own, solopreneuring it… or even running a company of hundreds, there are few opportunities for external back patting etc. Employees get it all the time – entrepreneurs don’t.
I think accepting this and learning to deal with it is critical to conquering uncertainty.
says:
Wow, these are top-notch suggestions Jeffrey. Come to think of it, in my worst moods my habits point me to the opposite of all these intelligent approaches. I try to think my way out of everything. When my head gets spun, I compare myself to others, I seek validation and escape, I reason that only BIG actions will get me out of it, and I avoid writing. Like so many things I think part of me knows those approaches are counterproductive, but it helps to see it spelled out like this. Thanks.