If you don’t play chess, it’s difficult to understand how someone could describe a sequence of moves as “beautiful.”
If you’re not a mathematician, it’s hard to imagine how a theoretical proof could be elegant.
And if you’re not a martial artist, it’s hard to grasp what’s meant by the “rhythm” of a fighter.
The view from the outside looks nothing like the view from the inside. Someone else’s job looks easy – until you actually try it. And yet we’re quick to judge people or groups or companies by what we can see of them from the outside.
What’s worse, we presume to judge not only people’s actions, but also their intentions. We see our own viewpoints as common sense, so we assume that only an evil, corrupt, or ignorant person could possibly disagree. We demonize people and organizations and political parties, and when we do, it becomes very, very easy to hate them.
“Easy is a word you use to describe someone else’s job.” – Jason Fried
Of course, some people act with less-than-noble intentions. Some people are corrupt, ignorant, or outright malicious. How do you separate genuine mistakes from reckless or corrupt ones?
Most of the time, you don’t – unless you happen to be sitting on a jury and have no choice. Speculating on someone else’s motivations and circumstances and state of mind is usually a wild goose chase. In the short run, it’s satisfying to vent your anger and seek revenge, but in the long run it just distracts you from actually making things better.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” – Plato
What you do instead is make a choice. You choose to believe in people’s good intentions, even if you disagree with their actions. You choose to believe that, at heart, most people want to do the right thing, even if they get lost along the way. You choose to acknowledge that you can’t see the view from inside, and to respect the possibility that they see something you don’t.
And then you stop getting offended over what someone else is or isn’t doing, and get back to your own important work.
Note that this isn’t the same as compromising your beliefs, preaching moral relativism, promoting a lack of personal responsibility, or chasing a utopia of happiness and rainbows.
So long as people have differing opinions, there will be disagreement and conflict. So long as we make mistakes, we ought to take responsibility for them. So long as we haven’t figured out the answers to life, the universe, and everything, there will be a need for people who fight for what they believe in, even if that clashes with what someone else believes.
But. But – we don’t have to hate each other. We don’t have to dehumanize the people on the other side of the aisle. As King Priam says to Achilles in the movie Troy, “Even enemies can show respect.”
I confess – I can be a very vindictive, judgmental person. But I don’t like that about myself, and I’m making a conscious decision to change. I’d like to be a hero, but that doesn’t mean I have to turn everyone else into a villain.
Change without hate and fear. I think it’s possible.
What’s your take?
22 Comments on “The View from the Inside”
says:
I very much agree. It is very difficult to know what another person is really feeling or thinking and so we make these assumptions based on our own experience, and often they are wrong. In law school one teacher taught us that the most effective way to make a jury judge another person harshly when telling a story in opening statement is just to tell the story from that person’s point of view. People tend to assume that in the same situation they would have done better/braked in time/been paying proper attention, etc.
A very good book that discusses this is the Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz (http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424505/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277410669&sr=8-1). One of the agreements to living a fulfilling life is to not make assumptions. Another is to always use your words impeccably. If only all of us could do those things.
says:
“The view from the outside looks nothing like the view from the inside.” So true.
says:
I was just about to say that the gist of this posting ties in with The Four Agreements’ “Don’t Make Assumptions”.
We don’t come from the same place as the person that we try to judge so we are actually using a different frame of reference in analysing his/her behaviour.
An easy things to say but sometimes, most of us tend to overlook this. Yours truly included.
says:
Jeffrey: I couldn’t agree more. It is easy to fall into the trap of identifying so much with your own opinions that you feel that anything that is different is wrong. However, as you mentioned, we do have to be careful on how we view opposing opinions. I think we have to be willing to always be open minded and make certain that we are really listening when people express opinions that are different from ours. For me, a good rule of thumb is to see if people are ever impacting my opinion. I think it is always possible for someone to impact my opinion even if I don’t end up changing it. However, in order for someone to be able to impact your opinion, you have to open your mind and really hear what they are saying. In the end, it usually means you will have a more well rounded opinion and at the very least can see where the other person is coming from.
says:
So true. As we’ve been traveling around the US for the past many months, we’ve had the amazing opportunity to meet people we probably would never have otherwise connected with. And we’ve found that, as soon as we set aside our own dogmas, everyone is just living their life the best they know how, and that we have many things in common. It’s easy to lump people into groups based on politics and never have a real conversation. I don’t know how it would work on a large-scale level, but I believe each of us is capable of making connections if we just stop projecting expectations on other people and their lives.
says:
Soooo true! Walk a mile in my shoes….
Thank you for this very elequoent reminder….
says:
99% of people are not crazy, therefore their actions are mostly rationale. Just because we cannot understand them doesn’t make them unusual.
In fact, their decisions are often a direct result of who they really are. How can we fault them for that? How can we do anything but try to understand?
Like the post. Thanks Jeffrey
says:
It’s entirely possible to change without fear and hate. It’s good to recognize that everyone perceives things through their unique lens, and that everyone will have different takes on a situation. This is what helps us generate new ideas to move forward. It’s a blessing to have a multitude of ideas, even if they may be clashing. Good job taking responsibility for yourself!
says:
Sometimes we can see the why of another person’s deeds or attitudes. And sometimes it’s because they have been too cowardly (even if for very understandable reasons) to be a better person.
A huge amount of the cruelty in this world, like a man putting his wife down on a consistent basis, boils down to our own unhealthy lack of self-esteem. It’s a coward’s choice to alleviate that pressure by hurting another.
He may have very compelling reasons to struggle with it, but what’s a wife to do in that situation? Where is the line drawn between understanding and enabling?
To be honest, I agree with you on this post. I love the quote from Plato. I think all of us can be pitied and forgiven because we have reasons for our different ways, even the bad reasons, even the bad ways.
says:
I think a good subtitle for this article would be, “The grass is only greener when you are looking through the fence.” You see this all the time, armchair quarterbacks, sports analysts second guessing a coach the day after the game, or political pundits giving opinions that imply they could do the job better than the elected official.
The bottom line is, we spend way to much time looking out the window as opposed to looking in the mirror.
says:
This is a very moving and insightful post. I have a difficult struggle between giving people the benefit of the doubt and feeling skeptical about intentions. I find it much more freeing to give people the benefit of the doubt and strive to believe that all things are in a natural state. Though, I have also learned that idealism is a far stretch. Making sure to consider respect for others is a safe place to approach others from. What do you think is a way to balance trust vs. mistrust?
says:
Hey Jeffrey, great post. There’s a lot of humanity in what you say. Leaders could learn from this. We all can. I know I can be judgmental too and I work hard to curb that in my language and thoughts. It is so easy to slip into that “holier than thou” mode, but as you so beautifully point out, we cannot know all they know, we don’t walk in their shoes, and we only dehumanize them when we make assumptions. Great lesson. Thank you.
says:
I agree, as long as you are rock-solid about the fact that their viewpoint is no reason to change your own. As someone that tends to empathize more than judge, there have definitely been times where I have been too understanding of where someone else was coming from and have forgotten to respect my own situation and my own needs. It is absolutely important to acknowledge and understand anothers’ motivations, but their past should never be an excuse for you to tolerate more than is good for you. As always, it’s a balance.
says:
I don’t need to fight for what I believe in. When we know that our beliefs are true and pure we have an inner peace that makes us tolerant and patient of all people provided they aren’t endangering others. If possible we want to help them rather than judge or hate them.
The need to prove ourselves right and others wrong is usually a selfish and childish effort to validate our not so perfect prejudices and opinions.
says:
When you are passionate about a cause, and even worse, if you are scared, it’s so easy to judge others and fail to see the reasoning behind their ways of thinking. I see that in myself way too often… But as the only way to really bring change to the world is through understanding, we just have to try to learn to try to see the view from the inside.
Great post. So very true!
says:
It’s so easy to believe that things are how you see them – from a single perspective. I try to remind myself that I don’t know what I don’t know. Even if you don’t know the details of what you’re missing (or misunderstanding) you can still be sensitive to the fact that it’s possible – in fact, probable!
I loved this post, Jeffrey! Beautifully written.
says:
Hi Jeffrey.
I once wrote about this and the view from the inside is certainly very different. I was one of the unofficial(and temporarily official) leaders of an online community of about 200-300 and the things I saw from the inside will always stay in my mind. It was completely different than I had assumed, and I got to understanding how things look from outside the circle of importance. I could understand why certain changes weren’t being made. It made my time not on the inside look like a time where I was clueless. After that experience, I will always look at power hierarchies differently.
Your quote from Plato about how everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle makes sense as well. This is true that we are all at some point in a battle, or we would already be at that point we desire, where very few are.
says:
Yes it is so easy to judge anyone that is different than you by either their looks, actions or just being. Somehow our way is the best way and anyone going against ‘our’ grain is just a little bit off.
I have in my older and wiser years tried to remember that I should take a walk in their shoes first before i go and criticize them for not following my ideals. And yes, sometimes I still forget and become critical, but I am getting better at it each and every day.
says:
Jeffrey -
I’m a positive pragmatist. I do believe that at heart everyone is good and has the right intentions. I look for the best in everyone I meet and try to forgive. I’m not perfect and do I ever get screwed for this – sure. Yet this approach to life works for a reason – it encourages collaboration, interdependence and flow – the sum is always greater than its parts. So keep it up and keep spreading the word. Great stuff!
Phil
says:
Dear Jeff,
I LOVE this post as I feel it makes a point about something we truly need to remember. We all believe our perspective is “the best”, yet so does everyone else.
One thing I valued about Senator Kennedy was that he was willing to reach across the aisle. Cooperation makes it possible to accomplish great things.
In my own life, more and more I focus upon how many good people there are in the world.
I’ve learned a great lesson over several years I spent working in Bakersfield (being a liberal in a conservative, even fundamental area).
I didn’t think I’d meet anyone I could relate with. But I was wrong. In addition to meeting wonderful like-minded friends, I made friends with people with completely different beliefs from mine. They are still my friends today.
What a great learning experience. My perspective of life broadened. Love is love and people are people. I agree, most people have good intentions.
Thanks for a great post. Hope all is well in your world!
Warm regards,
Lauren